“The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them.”
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
As much as I claim that I am living my life on my own terms, I find that I’m often pondering how an action will fit in with how I’ve acted in the past. Or I think about something that I once did, and think, is that really me? Or someone says, “Wow, I’m surprised that you would do that!” Well, that can be unsettling. When people express surprise or concern because I’m making a decision that does not fit in with their perception of how I usually am, it feels like I’m letting them down in some way. But when I think about it, what does it matter what other people think?
It’s like the quote I posted the other day about not worrying about what other people think about your abilities, because all that matters is that you are making the effort to improve yourself. Recently, I’ve been worrying a whole lot less about the way other people are and how I could be and much more about DOING things. Consuming things and pondering how things could be better means nothing. Wondering if I should do this or that doesn’t help. The only thing that does help is actually going out and doing it.
I’m computing my own orbit, to borrow words from Emerson. I’m not here to make other people feel comfortable that they “know” me. I don’t know myself, how can anybody “know” me? Sure, I can let them into my life, and as Rilke so wisely said, “Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn’t necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again;” I don’t have to alarm people, but I also don’t have to cater to them. Perhaps that will ruffle some people’s feathers, but isn’t that better than being boring?